so this is no surprise and is more of a coping(?) mechanism for myself- I think I need to get better about remembering to journal. Speaking of that I need to get better at doing a lot of things, but that’s for another post. This one I want to center on my feelings about the atl faes that have become a pretty significant entity in my life. Overall, I would say it’s been a good thing, but sometimes I wonder. I know this has more to do with my own issues than with any of them, but I can’t help but feel awkward and self-ostracized by them at times. I see them cuddled together and I don’t know why but I can’t bring myself to drop down there too. I think I may be afraid. I think I may be ignored? I find myself wondering what’s wrong with me so many times, why can’t I allow things to just transpire? But then at the same time I feel like I’m invisible and maybe sometimes not- well it’s not wanted in any conscious way- but more like it wouldn’t matter if I were around or not. I see new people come in and be so beautifully (and sometimes frustratingly) bold and I’m envious of their confidence and their ease. I feel lonely, yet my social calendar is probably busier than it’s ever been. I guess I’m seeking connection on several planes and I don’t feel like I’m getting it from any of them. And I know this falls on me to be active and make decisive moves, but sometimes I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do, so I just wait till it passes and know it’ll inevitably resurface and I’ll deal with it again. I wish a path would illuminate itself ever so slightly.
So this post won’t be completely self-centered, feeling sorry for myself, I’m thinking of the fae in terms of academia- this makes me think further about how groups deal with inclusion and exclusion plus how to queer spaces. And I need to take some time and think about the recent (occupy and halloween) conversations that transpired on the facebook wall. If I’m going to integrate them into a chapter for the dissertation, these ideas would be helpful as I watch the group have growing pains and discussions about who they are and where they want to go. It could possibly offer some interesting insights into the complexities of the group. I also want to think more about the ways the fae uphold the ideas of queer, and then also how they sadly reinscribe heteronormative ideas and practices.
overall, I think I’m grateful- actually I know I am grateful that I have met them, but it doesn’t always feel that way and I know this will pass. But I’m going to acknowledge that it does exist and try to allow myself to feel through it instead of making myself feel guilty about it.